


Say It Now

by Aaron_The_8th_Demon



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bittersweet, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, The Empty (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:20:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27505972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aaron_The_8th_Demon/pseuds/Aaron_The_8th_Demon
Summary: He musters himself. Any reserves of strength or willpower remaining, not smothered by the Empty, are drawn together. There’s no escape and he knows that. But he needs to dosomething,he’s already unable to forgive himself for so hurting Dean already.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 27





	Say It Now

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr is 100% to blame for this fic's existence.

Castiel doesn’t open his eyes, because he’s aware of how pointless it would be to do so. The same black emptiness will exist outside his eyelids just as it does behind them. He allows himself to be folded into it, and awaits a long sleep.

The sleep doesn’t come. However, he does indulge in a peaceful sensation caressing him, folding him into the nothingness. Perhaps it lasts for several years, he has no means to be sure, but time is meaningless in any case, especially here. Castiel refuses to dwell on it.

Or rather… he refuses to dwell on it until the blissful silence breaks. It’s soft in the beginning, so much that he fails to notice at first. But gradually Castiel becomes aware of this noise. Indecipherable for some period of time, but eventually he manages to comprehend this sound.

Whimpering.

Not only whimpering, but interspersed with words. To be more precise the same word, repeated.

_No… no… no…_

And Castiel understands that it’s Dean. Dean whimpers this word, over and over again. Sobs and cries between these words. Subsequently he realizes that the peacefulness in truth stretched for approximately two minutes. The third thing that comes to him is how irredeemably he’s failed this time, possibly not as noticeable to the world or Heaven or Hell at large. But this failing is several dozen times more painful than his previous ones. Somehow, he neglected to take this into account.

And Castiel is ashamed.

Dean, emotionally and psychologically speaking, has already been a broken man for many years. But Castiel has taken this broken man and utterly shattered him now.

The sound of his shortcomings eventually ceases, but not for long. It comes to him intermittently, Dean praying: _Cas… I know you can’t hear me, but…_ And it always begins with that type of sentiment. Dean convinced that Castiel is no longer paying attention to him. Perhaps every third or fourth episode will be another crying spell, in varying levels of intensity. All Castiel knows, aside from the blank nothingness, is the audible evidence of his love’s suffering.

What convinces Castiel of the further passage of time is how the messages gradually change. Dean’s sadness becomes chronic, desperation morphing to despair. He wishes for Dean’s anger rather than this sinking depression. But Dean is no longer willing to fight back against the crushing loss. There have been innumerable other crushing losses for Dean prior to this one. To use a human expression… this must have been the straw to break the camel’s back.

 _Cas, you sunuva bitch… you just left me like that… fuck, who’m I kidding. It’s not your fault… listen, Cas, I. I can’t. I can’t keep talking to you like this all the time. You’re not there. I. I. Cas… I can’t…_ And the crying begins anew.

Dean would like to pretend to be angry but is unable to even do that much. Castiel can’t bear the idea that Dean will cease to pray to him, but as it turns out, this isn’t permanent. Dean’s voice comes to him again, and again after that. Always making an attempt to stop, citing how useless it is. But Dean still prays to him, still cries over him. And Castiel is becoming exactly as broken as Dean is.

What brings him to realize that he should make some attempt at contact is when a frightening theme begins to appear in Dean’s prayers. Dean murmurs similar sets of words - infrequently at first, but gradually becoming more common - which indicate strongly that Dean has no desire to remain alive. Castiel cannot allow that to stand, and is further disappointed in himself for allowing things to come this far before taking a decision to act.

He musters himself. Any reserves of strength or willpower remaining, not smothered by the Empty, are drawn together. There’s no escape and he knows that. But he needs to do _something,_ he’s already unable to forgive himself for so hurting Dean already. Dean is likely on the verge of attempting suicide.

And so Castiel focuses. He may still be able to walk across Dean’s dreamscapes if he exerts enough effort. It takes quite a bit of strength for him to reach far enough, and Dean seems to be intoxicated which makes accessing a REM sleep cycle that much more difficult. But it’s necessary. Castiel must communicate to his love. He affects the most peaceful ideas and imagery that he can think of and subjects Dean’s subconscious to them. And he makes Dean aware of his presence.

“Hello Dean.” Castiel rests a palm on his shoulder and Dean rapidly spins to face him. “I promise, I _can_ hear you.”

“You sunuva bitch!” Dean yells, grabbing him by the lapels of his coat and shaking him roughly several times. “It’s been six fuckin’ months and _now_ you wanna talk?!”

“Dean, I couldn’t. And I only have a limited reserve of strength to work with so please don’t waste time on being upset. I’m sorry. Dean.” He places his hands on Dean’s wrists, very gently. “I want you to live.”

“I am alive,” Dean snaps, thankfully not pulling away. He already seems to be on the brink of tears. “You made damn sure’a that, you feathered bastard…”

“Please understand that there’s an important difference. I saved your life because I wanted you to live, but you’re refusing to do so. I know my decision has wounded you and I’m sorry for that, but you need to understand-”

Now Dean shoves Castiel backwards. “Sorry’s not good enough anymore!” he bellows. “How many times you said you’re sorry to me by now, Cas?! Maybe instead’a being so ‘sorry’ all the time you should just not fucking do shit that hurts me in the first place!”

“I can’t undo this. And I can’t fix it. But I meant what I said. You’re good. I love you. I want you to live.”

Thin tracks of moisture trickle down both of their faces. For a moment, a moment Castiel likely doesn’t have to waste, they stare at each other in silence.

“Yeah well maybe a world that doesn’t have you in it isn’t one I wanna live in, Cas,” Dean whispers, obviously working not to let his face crumple. “And you didn’t even gimme the chance to say it back.”

Castiel steps forward again, reaching out to cradle the sides of Dean’s damp face in his hands. Dean’s eyes close and he sobs once, a harsh and pained noise. His expression is written with anguish.

“Then say it now,” Castiel prompts quietly.

“Cas…”

“Yes, Dean, I’m listening.”

“I. Love you. Too.”

Castiel moves in closer so that their foreheads rest together. Dean’s arms slip behind his neck and Castiel subsequently discovers that kissing a crying person is something of an odd experience, but as that crying person is Dean Winchester he’s unable to have objections or reservations about it. He holds Dean close to his chest and then wraps Dean with his wings for an added layer of warmth and comfort.

“It’s not likely I’ll be able to reply again soon, or realistically speaking ever again at all. But I promise I can hear you. Please speak to me as much as you want. I love you, Dean Winchester.”

“Don’t go, Cas.”

“That’s not possible. I’ll stay as long as I can, and you’ll remember this dream when you awake. But you can’t sleep forever and I’m not able to maintain this.”

Fingertips feather lightly through the hair on the back of his head and he commits every aspect of the brief sensation to memory, knowing there’s no other possible chances for him to feel it ever again. Like the kiss. Given the opportunity to do so he would take several thousand kisses with Dean, but unfortunately for both of them no such opportunity exists. So he settles for a second one. He will vanish back to the Empty with two kisses from his love to keep in his memory for eternity.

Castiel supposes it could be much worse. He’d never expected to have any after all.

* * *

Dean wakes up with an empty bottle still in his hand and a headache to slay a fucking walrus, and also tears in his eyes that have nothing to do with the headache. He can still almost feel Cas in his arms… and fuck, _fuck,_ but that hurts.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay look I didn't even go here until fucking Tumblr blew up about 15x18, I never saw a single episode until like three days ago. I haven't gotten to this episode yet either and everything I know about it is from, again, Tumblr exploding. However I did very quickly fall in love with Cas and Dean has also grown on me a lot. Plus, as any other fandom I've written for will attest to, I am an angst writer by nature and this show so far has given me a metric fuckton of material.
> 
> My other SPN fics can be found [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works?utf8=%E2%9C%93&commit=Sort+and+Filter&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=revised_at&include_work_search%5Bfandom_ids%5D%5B%5D=27&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bexcluded_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bcrossover%5D=&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_from%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_to%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_from%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_to%5D=&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=&user_id=Aaron_The_8th_Demon).
> 
> Comments welcome.


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